From Mommy to Kalynne
10 years
NEVER did I think I would have made it this long without you! 10 years feels like a lifetime that I have not held you. Yet the pain of not having you in my life feels as though this happened yesterday. Time does not make the pain go away, I have just learned to live with a daily ache in my heart.
NO one has taken your place in my heart. As much as I have tried to fill that void inside of me, nothing has worked. My heart needs you my sweet angel, I need you!! As much as I try to be happy with everything, because you and the big man upstairs have truly blessed me with more than I deserve... half of the time it's so hard to be truly happy with my life. Sometimes it's as though I am moving through the motions dreaming of the day when I can hold you again. Nothing in 10yrs has been able to take the pain away. There are times when I think I have accepted what happened to you but then I have a rough day and I start doubting again.
please my sweet angel continue to help guide me through this process, provide me with strength on my weak days and comfort in knowing I will see you again.
mrs
You and your family are always un my thoughts and prayers. I regret not seeing tour case to the end.
Amanda stahl
Wanting you back in my arms
I get to start writing to you on you page again, baby! Im so happy that I get to write to you everyday like I used to. Nothing has changed for me, I still think of you everynight and day. I will until the day I get to be with you again.
I cannot believe you would be turning five in here in a few months!! I already have you special birthday planned and ready to go when the day comes. You are gonna have the best princess castle cake ever, and your special place is going to be decked out with flowers and balloons!!
I am reading this book called "heaven is real", and I love it!! It reinforces my faith in heaven, God, everything! I know you are happy up there, and are waiting for me! I cannot wait to be with you again, I wish I could count down the days until I am able to hold and kiss you again! Please come and visit me in my dreams, I really need a visit from you. My heart is always aching deep down inside for my lil princess, my lovey love, my beautiful, my angel!! Nothing is ever the same anymore!
You and Jake have fun playing together, tell him to visit his parents and sister. Everyone really misses him, especially his parents and sister. Have him take a peek into their dreams one night to let him know that he is ok.
Forever loving you
Always missing you
One day closer to being with you
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXOOXOXOXO
Our last day together
Tomorrow makes four years my angel. I dread today and tomorrow all year around. I wish we could skip both days and pretend they didnt exist. Would that make you come back to me...would four years ago never happen? Probably not, but these two days pain me so much! The hurt never stops but, today and tomorrow the pain intensifies beyond anyone could imagine. I tried to keep myself busy some of the day so I wouldnt have to think of our last day and what we did, it hurts my heart too much to think of our last day together!
I keep pushing the good memories aside because, its like a dagger to my heart each time I think of them. Although, each day we had together I treasure every moment, it hurts so much because we will never have those great days again! Please dont let me forget any of our memories, even though I dont like to think of them, I still want them to be there. They are slowly fading away because I dont allow myself to feel and dream about them, because I dont want to hurt....Im tired of hurting.
Four years ago today, do you remember we sang country songs and the ABC's while I washed dishes and you were in you jumper in the kitchen with me gooing as I sang to you? You only wanted to be held that day, did you know something was going to happen? We even took a small nap together, since I had to work later that night. You had watched me pack some things up, getting ready to move into our new apt. We started to separate your clothes, we had even washed some of them, not sure why we didnt put them up though? Still to this day I'm not sure why we left them on the floor scattered everywhere. There are things about that day that I am forgetting...please help me not too. Did we take you a bath? Did we do your daily reading? Then we got ready to take you to your Nina's while I went to work. I had told you to "be a good girl" and I remember you looked right into my eyes, where you trying to tell me something? I felt something when I told you that "I'll see you later" and that "I loved you". I had no idea that it was the last time to kiss you and tell you those three simple words.
I hope you know how much I loved you, and that I will always love you, my beautiful Kalynne!!
One day closer my love, I cant wait to be with you again, I hope its soon!
Forever loving you
Always missing you
Mommy
P.S.
Show lil Kaci the ropes up there. I put you lime green in her memory. You girls have fun together and know you both are greatly missed and forever loved!
Missing you everyday we are apart
Hi sweetheart,
I know it been awhile since I last wrote to you on here, but know that I still think of you everyday and wish things were different for us. Eveytime I go to your special place, know I still write to you there. I love being out there with you!! Its so peaceful and quite. Although, I am upset that we had to take your bench down after 3 years of it being up. That made Mommy really upset baby, it was your first birthday present from me. Now its at your Grandma Gracie's house in the yard. Once I get my own place I surround flowers all around it and put it in my front or back yard k.
Lately baby I have been having some rough days and missing you so so very much. Life isnt fair without you. I see little girls all the time and it makes me wonder about you. How you would look, would you run up to me with your arms open saying "hi mommy", or "i miss you mommy" or "goodnight mommy, I love you". So many things we missed out on. It breaks my heart baby, somedays are harder than others.
I think I dreamed about you a couple of weeks ago. Please come visit me more often, I need you!! I have such a great day when you have been in my dreams the night before. I'll always need you, no matter where I am or what I am doing with my life, you will always be my beautiful baby girl, the love of my life.
Forever loving you!!
Always missing you!!
One day closer to being with you!!
Thinking of you always
Goodnight sweetheart,
I know its been awhile since I have talked to you on this part of your page...im sorry baby. Its just that I try not to think of everything because it hurts much......and no one understands. Then I start to think of things and feel that I cannot control myself, because the pain so intense. I dont understand WHY....WHY baby WHY???? Life isnt fair!! I hear of so many stories of parents hurting their children or neglecting their children and I dont understand WHY YOU....WHY BABY? I know those things may never be answered and its just something I have to deal with and learn to cope with, but its not easy.
I see little girls and wonder....would your hair be that long.....would you be as tall as them since they are 3......would you love sweets like me or be like your daddy and not care for them.....what your laugh would sound like.....how it would feel and sound for you to call me Mommy or Mom; so many things that I will always wonder but will never know. I hate it and dont understand!! I wonder what would be your nickname...I had so many for you before and have came up with new ones since then, so I wonder..?
My beautiful girl just know that I think of you every single morning....every night and everyday that we arent together and I always will. I cannot wait to be with you....I count the days until I see
you again. Its always one day closer to being with you!
Forever loving you
Always missing
One day closer to being with you my angel
love always,
Mommy
One day closer...
Good morning sweetheart. As you know today is Mother's day, a day that I dont enjoy. People txt me "Happy Mother's Day" and I dont ever know how to respond to them. Because its not a "Happy" day for me....bc I am with out you. And the "Mother" part....I am not a complete mother bc you are not here with me. Life is so unfair!!
Some people do not understand how lucky they are to have their children. I would do anything is this world to have you back with me! Or I would give up anything to have you back in my life....anything!! After 29 months I still dont understand WHY?!??!!
Always remember how much I LOVE a MISS YOU!! One day closer to being with you and I cannot wait.
All my love is yours
Mommy
XOXOXOXOXOXO
Thinking of you, Missing you so much!!!
The days seem to continue to pass by without you baby. I dont know how to stop time or turn it back to Dec 2007. This nightmare never ends.... No matter what I do or dont do the pain is still there. I have gotten pretty good at keeping it in the back burner, but sometimes so unexpedictly it slaps me in the face. I hate the feeling!! I dont ever know what to do to make the pain stop or go away. But by making it go away I am making you go away, which is why its so hard. When I think of the good memories I have of us it brings me back to reality that you arent hear with me to make more memories. Its so unfair!!! I dont understand WHY it had to happen to us!?!?!?!? The good memories hurt as bad as the bad the memory, but I dont want to forget any memory we made. Please baby dont let me forget anything, none of the small things or the big things. I miss everything we had and all the things we arent gonna have. You will always be my beautiful baby girl, no matter what k!! Always remember how much I love and miss you, and would do anything to have you back in my arms. Anything!!!!!!!
At least its one day closer to being with you. I know Grandma is taking good care of you up there for me, and holding you close. Give her and everyone else a great big hug for me. Tell them to hold you as much as they can, because when I get up there Im not letting you go or sharing with anyone!! :)
You are my heart and the one true love of my life, Kalynne. Always and forever you will be.
Always missing you
Forever loving you
One day closer to being with you
Mommy
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY SWEETHEART!!!!!
Forever me and you
How's my pretty angel today? Oh how I miss you!!! Its been 25 months since you went to play with the angels....I have still thought about u everday since then and always will. I bought u lots of decorations yesterday! I got a little too excited at Hobby Lobby. I was acting like a lil kid in a candy store buying holiday decorations and pinwheels for you! Its the only thing I can buy for you now....so I take full advantage! :) Only the best for you sweetheart! As long as Im here I will always keep you special plae looking the best....full of decorations and dolls, just for you, my babygirl! I could just imagine how spoiled you would be by everyone especially me, your grandma Gracie and your Ninas! You would have everything! But now Im still gonna try to give you everything I can....or everything I can put out at your special place :) You are the love of my life, now until forever!!!!
Muah!!!!!!!
One day closer to being with you!
Always remember how much I love
I miss you every minute of everyday we are not together
In my heart always
Me and you together forever
XOXOXOXO
Missing My Kalynne
Well baby its been a lil over 21 months since you went to play with the angels, but I have still thought about you everyday since then. I still go out to your special place either everyday or every other 2 days not ever being longer than 3 days, unless Im out of town. I cant seem to stay away from there on some days, especially when I can feel you there with me.
I would do anything in this world or give up anything just to have you back in my life and in my arms. There are some days I cant believe whats really happening....that I no longer have you with me. I try so hard to push the reality of those thoughts away so I wont have to face them. Even thinking of all the memories we shared for our four months together hurts and tears at my heart.
I will never understand WHY...WHY you.....WHY us....WHY???
You will forever be MY babygirl....MY beautiful princess....the love of MY life.....MY life.............MY angel. Always remember how much I love you and know that it will never change...I promise. No one could ever take your place! One day closer......keeps me going. This next time I am never letting go! I
Im sorry again for not being there that night to wipe away your tears and make you feel better, like I always did. Im so sorry!
Forever loving you
Always missing you
Muah
XOXOXO
Mommy
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